So…

OK…sorry that I am not responding to comments right now. I AM reading them. I am just overwhelmed? Your comments…your caring…mean SO much right now…you have NO idea!

Is it OK to cry now? I know I did earlier…outside…alone. Now my guys are gone for the evening and I am truly alone. Can I cry now? Again? I don’t know.

I know things are on the crux of getting better. We are just about to step over the edge into something better…or at least that is the goal that has been presented to us. By the end of August, he said…that is what he was shooting for. So…while we are approaching the edge of something good…I feel as if I am walking so close to the edge myself…emotionally.

I am glad that I cried earlier. It was good to cry. But this is not over. I have been walking the edge for quite a while…just holding it together. Actually…truly…my Abba is holding me together. I am fighting…but only in His strength. I just could not do this without Him.

I know I am rambling…and maybe not really writing all that coherently…but I just need to write. I need to express. I really need a safe place to process pain. Hubby actually offered to take me to the hospital today when I lost it and told him that my PTSD is soaring. I told that a hospital is NOT what I need. He does not understand what they would do to me there…in addition to the expense with no coverage. I doubt they would even take me anyway. I am not suicidal. I don’t self harm. I am just very beside myself.

I need my online friends more than ever. I need support from those who understand…those who have been through the tough stuff…even if it is not exactly like what I have been through.

I hurt.

Rough Days

The last few days have been rough. Stuff is happening in life that make things harder. We came home to find a barbed wire fence across our driveway. While it is on the border of the two properties, we share an easement. So, now we have to use a second driveway that is on our land that we have not finished. It is very rough, but we can get in and out. Delivery people can’t…but we can.

It is just one of a few things that have made the last few days difficult. I feel very vulnerable. We have been good neighbors…yet, we have had a “feeling” about this guy ever since we first met him when he bought the property next door.

The fence…barbed wire. I think one of the problems is the barbed wire. It feels so barbaric. I think of the Constantine wire they used on the fence top of the freemason camp not too far from where we last lived…the camp that Matty remembers from when we were in our teens.

The fence…blocking our easy ingress and egress…feeling violated. Sharing in good faith…allowing him to use our creek crossing to get to his separate meadow. Him walking our land and putting in stakes without permission and without us saying anything to him. I feel violated.

He lies. I HATE lies!!!! Says he had a survey done…but there is none registered with the county. It could be he did not register…however, he also could not show the paperwork to the sheriff. He showed a plat map to the fencer implying it was the needed paperwork. It is not. The fencer is now backing off after we showed him that it was just a plat map. The plat map shows the easement.

Angry words…on both sides. Incredulity on ours. Jive on his. Lies and false accusations to try to justify his actions. But they don’t…justify his actions. He just looks petty. We are talking about a tiny corner of his land…a tiny corner…barely big enough to hold our van. The rest of the driveway is on our land.

Stupidity…because of the easement, he could actually insist on having free use of our creek crossing. Now he has no access because he put a fence up. That is OK. We actually like the fence and he is paying for it. But we want it on the right line. He is paying big bucks to get a crossing put in. Good!

The fence…separation. Sometimes separation is a GOOD thing…like now.

Words…our place is an eyesore. We supposedly have money to fix it up. Yeah, right. That is why my guys are working on the driveway and crossing with shovels and 5 gallon buckets rather than renting a loader to move the rock and gravel. My guy has been unemployed. Neighbor thinks we should sell motorcycles to get money. Yeah right. Mine has not run since before we moved onto the land and hubby’s needs a tire we cannot afford. It is not like he has seen us out riding them around.

Attempted justification…just like the abusers. Always “good” reasons for what they do. Liars! It is all about control and manipulation.

This guy and his wife are lost people. We have the Creator to turn to. Our heavenly Abba comforts us. Who do they have? We pray for them.

Ugly fence…barbed fence…a reminder of how lost they are. A reminder to pray for them and show love to them anyway. If it is legal…I will hang pretty ribbons on fence “to keep our chickens on our side”…but really…to make a thing of beauty out of a thing of ugliness. I will make it beautiful. When I have money…I will plant pretty shrubbery on the fence line. Or flowers.

Ugliness…to beauty. Ugly fence to beautiful fence. Ugly attitude on one side of fence…beautiful attitude on this side…as best we can.

He is hurting himself more than he is hurting us. We have the L-rd to turn to. We have an inner joy that he cannot steal.

The days have been rough. It has felt like darkness closing in as I have been overwhelmed. It amazes me how it can overtake me. PTSD has been triggered. After we came home to the fence I found I could not type…constant mistakes. An my words…they kept getting mixed up…both in typing and verbally. Very triggered.

Then came the darkness closing in…between that and all the other things going on in life. Deep inner sense of spiritual peace…but emotional darkness. It seems like a contradiction…a paradox. Yet it is there. I know who I am. I know in Whom I trust. Yet…emotionally I can be falling into a dark hole. The way it overtakes makes me wonder if it is something that is being triggered…like a program…rather than merely the emotional fallout of recent events. I don’t know. I am just here for the ride…and hanging on.

This year the anniversary of my sister’s death actually effected me less. She died on my birthday. I still have my moments of grief. This year was better…or perhaps I was too distracted by neighbor’s meanness? Or maybe it was both. I don’t know.

So, here I am. I am going to have to stop writing and go to bed. Our living situation pretty much forces me to follow someone else’s sleep schedule. It is really wearing me out. It is no one’s fault…but I feel captive to someone else’s way of living. We do try to compromise…he tries very hard. But when you have one little living space shared by all…well…he needs more sleep than I do. There is no other room to go into. So…I try not to go completely insane in the process. I keep trusting and hoping that we will get out of this soon. It has been over 4 years.

What Do You Do With Anger?

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

Triggers and Blow-ups and Talking About Things

We had a blow up at our home this morning. It was nobody’s fault and both of our faults. It was scary for me…as major disagreements typically are. Thankfully, we don’t have them very often. In fact, you could almost say they are rare, even with the increase due to our living situation. It is pretty amazing…truly a G-d thing.

BUT…back to this morning. Even though I KNOW that he is totally committed and would never leave…the fear hits when he walks out the door. Is he going outside to work on something? Or is he going to leave? Mind you…he has never left…but the fear still comes up.

I prayed a lot this morning…for wisdom…to be changed…to understand…for us. The whole thing felt overwhelming and I felt helpless…and maybe even a bit of hopelessness started to creep in there, too. The good thing is that we were able to have a good talk later. We have very little privacy which means that we cannot typically get things out in a timely manner. So things build up. That does not help.

Hopefully, our living situation will change within the next few months…at least before the next winter. That will help a LOT…but it won’t solve everything. It will give us privacy to talk. Privacy for me to work more on my healing. Privacy for us to work more on being a husband and wife. (That brings up a lot of mixed emotions…but more about that in another post.) It will be easier on our son, too…and just all the way around.

Everyone who knows our situation has told me that there is NO way they could have done it.  Well…we can’t, either. As I said…it is a G-d thing. It is only with the grace and mercy of Yahweh who gets us through that we are able to do it.

Anyway…I was able to share how I had been triggered in a huge way yesterday. He knew about the previous one, but not this one. It is good that he knows…that he is able to understand…at least somewhat. The fact that I could even talk about it so soon is a miracle. I guess it shows that I am farther along than I thought.

I am definitely better today. It is good that I was able to explain how and why I got triggered and why it is next to impossible to talk about when it happens. It is really difficult to share when I feel as if I am in a lose/lose…not that he makes it so…but that is how I hear it…how I experience it.

So many times, he can say something and I hear it totally differently than he meant it. And that goes both ways. Although he is not a ritual abuse survivor…he does have his own stuff. His father was abusive and his parents eventually divorced.  My parents stayed together and both were perpetrators. So much for family stability!

Triggers can happen in so many ways…like the way I start to feel like a small child when I get really sick or if I am physically hurt. I am there. I don’t lose continuity, but I am emotionally oftentimes like a child who is struggling to behave like an adult. Which brings me to another part of our living situation. I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it. This, too, we talked about this morning. It does not change anything…but it is good to at least talk about it.

In spite of the rough start…today was a good day.

Tough Days, Sweet Study and Blessings

Yesterday was a bit of a tough day. It was one of those days when the old brain just would not co-operate! It was difficult to think and to focus. I am amazed at how much I actually got done. I guess, to some, it would not appear to have been a day of struggling, but it was.

I love that I got to read and study scripture some. I kind of wish I could spend more time studying it and sharing about what I learn. I love it. I would love to get into it for hours every day. The more I read it and study it, the more I am blessed, the more I grow and the stronger I get. I know that may be difficult for some people to undertand, but that is my experience.

The more I learn about Yahweh God and myself, the deeper and sweeter our heart connection gets. Ahhh…there is just nothing like it. He loves on me and brings me healing. There are still things I don’t understand about this old world and about God. But then, if I could understand it all I would BE God, which I am definitely NOT! That is a good thing, for I know that I would not make a very good god. I am so unqualified.

Today has been better. It is time to just rest in Him. I am being blessed in many ways. I feel SO undeserving, very grateful and very humbled. Why I should be blessed is beyond me. I know that I am a very imperfect person. I can be selfish, prideful and insensitive. I don’t want to be…but I am. If it were not for Yahweh helping me, I would be worse…far worse.