Posts Tagged ‘transparency’

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Masks We Wear…

May 8, 2010

Everyone wears masks. It is called “propriety” and “a proper time and place”. It is not appropriate…nor is it safe or healthy…to share everything about ourselves with everyone else, anywhere and anytime.

Yet, we all do need someone and some time in which we can share the deeper things of our hearts. We need a safe place to land when we are struggling…someone with whom we can take the masks off. We need someone who will accept us and cheer us on in the struggles of life.

It is not that we need to share and reveal everything about ourselves to a single person. That could overwhelm them…especially if we are extreme abuse survivors. But we do all need someone safe with whom we can share the things that are most on our hearts, the things we most struggle with, our challenges, our joys, our fears, our growth, our victories, the things we have overcome, the positive steps taken, the stumbling we have done. We need someone who will not judge and who will love us as we are and cheer us on in our healing journey.

Sometimes, we cannot share our growth or our victories because it would mean sharing what we needed to have victory over…or sharing what we grew out of. It would mean sharing the darker sides of ourselves. We all have one…a darker side…the part of us we don’t really want anyone to know about. And yet, don’t we all wish that we had someone with whom we could share that darker side who would accept us and even love us anyway?

Not everyone is safe to share with. We must be cautious. We must take care to feel a person out…to not overwhelm them. We also have to recognize that sharing can kick off the old “don’t share” programming. We need to be safe when we share…prepared for the potential aftermath, especially if the one we are sharing with isn’t aware of the possible ramifications sharing can bring.

In all of this…there is a question I ask myself. While I long for someone with whom I can take my masks off…am I willing to be that someone for another person? Am I…can I…be safe to share with? Will I accept and love without judgment? Will I hold close to my heart what is shared with me…never sharing it with anyone else without permission? Am I willing to be for others what I need others to be for me?

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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