Posts Tagged ‘Yahweh’

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Holiday Choices and Depression

December 25, 2009

This is a time of year that can be very difficult for a lot of people. For survivors whose abusers took advantage of trying to destroy all joyful memories of holidays…it can be even tougher. At this point, I don’t really recall much in the way of negative memories regarding Christmas. However, as I pointed out in my previous post, all emotions from the past are difficult…whether good or bad.

I am missing my far away family and I am also struggling with my living situation. I am going into year number five like this and it is really difficult. I had the chance to get away from it for five days, but the day after I came back, I got hit really hard. I am fighting depression big time, but am plugging my way through it. Today I placed another order for SamE. I find the Jarrow brand works pretty well for me. I took two today and have one more left. I think it is helping a bit.

Life can have a lot of twists and turns. I have to just rest in my heavenly Abba and trust that He is going to get me through this…just as He has the last four winters. I know He has a plan. I know that it is ultimately good. Why we have to wait in these circumstances…I do not know. It would be easier if I knew the reasons behind this…but I don’t. Oh, well. I am just going to have to keep learning to rest in Him…to trust that His timing is best.

In the meantime, I will choose to enjoy whatever I can of life.  Today I got to spend some time with friends. It was a nice time away from home.

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Being Thankful?

November 26, 2009

Years ago, I remember struggling so much with life that it was difficult to find things about it to enjoy…things to be thankful for. There were times when I had to really work at it. It seemed like life was hitting me constantly and I could barely even catch my breath…let alone truly enjoy life.

It is much easier now to find things to be thankful for…to see the blessings in my life. Still…there can be those moments when I am triggered and all I can think about is getting through the next moment. I am thankful that those days are few and far between compared to what they used to be like.

My living situation is going to change…for the better. Hopefully, it will happen before winter…but it may not. I am very thankful for the upcoming change. However…with that change I know there are going to come challenges.  I have been holding things under the surface of the pool of amnesia. I have not really had any choice in the matter due to my current living situation. But what will happen when it all changes?

Although the new situation will free me up in many ways…I am also aware that it will free up other things…things that have been hidden for a very long time and buried deep within. While I am sure that some of the “calm” that I have been experiencing is the result of hard work and healing…I cannot help but wonder how much of it is simply that I have had to stay in shut down mode. How much will start surfacing…screaming for attention…when my situation no longer forces me to keep it all inside?

Sometimes I get vague flashes of things…kind of like what another blogger wrote in his post: Opening Yourself Can Tire Most Kids.  Michael wrote, “You reach inside, focusing on a part that has rarely seen the light of day, or a memory that gets recalled only when you see a phrase or two on another’s blog and so you must go within to retrieve that just-now-remembered something from your inner Self.”

I relate to that. Thing is…it is very difficult for me to get even the flashes. It is harder still to get to whatever is behind them. Will that change when my living situation changes? It very well might. In fact, I am hoping it will.

So…what does have to do with being thankful? Well…I guess I am pondering if I will still be thankful when the good changes also allow a lot of pain to come to the surface…when the relative calm inside that I have been experiencing more and more gets disrupted by the storms of healing.  Will I still be thankful?

I think I will. I want to move forward…no matter how hard it is. One foot in front of the other. I want to understand more about who I am and what I have been through. I want to know whatever it is that I need to know in order to move forward.

I have relied upon my Creator for my healing. I have trusted Him to show me the truth…in the right time and in the best way. He has never failed me. My heavenly Abba has been holding my heart all along. For that…I am very thankful.

My husband…what can I say about him? He has been so patient…even when I know he has been extremely frustrated with me. The change will effect us, too…how we are able to relate to one another. Huge changes are on the way. While I look forward to them…I am also terrified of them…if I get really honest with myself. I have hope…and I have trepidation. The potential taps into some very deep things.

Yet…I am determined to be thankful. I have learned that being thankful is not something I feel…it is something I choose to do. I decide. I have choice. And this choice no one can take away from me. My abusers took a lot of my choices away…but they can never take this one.

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Sometimes…

September 26, 2009

Sometimes…I just want to scream…or cry…or curl up in a ball…or…something!

Sometimes…I don’t know what I am feeling…sad…mad…resigned…hurt…wounded…apathetic…or…something.

I get tired of this life. I get tired of being wounded. I get tired of struggling…of feeling alone…of others just not getting it and me being unable to help them get it…or fearful to even try because they might think I am as weird as I sometimes feel.

Yet…in all of this…I do know who I am…well, in the big picture anyway. I am kind of clueless at times as to all of my inner workings in the here and now. But in eternity…in the big picture…I know I am the Creator’s. I know He loves me and will take me Home someday. Oh, how I sometimes long to go there.

No more PTSD. No more tears. No more sickness. No more dying. No more abuse. A place of peace and wonder and real, genuine, honest-to-goodness love between people…perfect love. No more wondering where I stand with anyone. No more wondering if my parents even desire any kind of relationship with me…or if they are even able to have one. No more wondering if they…or anyone else…is really safe.

I will continue to hope…even when it feels as if there is nothing to hope for. My emotions can lie to me. I know the truth and I choose to live in it…even when it is hard…or difficult. Life all comes down to choices. Will I live for the One who created me? Or will I live for myself? Will I love others? Or only myself? Will I give? Or will I only take?

I will continue to put one foot in front of another. I will take each day as it comes. I will life on the Creator’s terms…not on my own.

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Here I Sit

August 8, 2009

I woke up this morning dreaming of my father. He was objecting to my name change and saying something about my not having the right to change it. The details are fuzzy. I can’t remember what I was dreaming before that…but I think it, too, was either about him or about both of my parents. But I’m really not sure.

I would be willing to bet that this is being stirred up somewhat by that movie I watched recently.  I shared some of how the movie impacted me in the previous post Searching For Angela Shelton. It really got me thinking about my own father and I think that contributed to the dreams.

One of the things that struck me in the movie was how well her father lied. They always seem to be able to lie so smoothly. I remember that Angela asked her father if he had blocked it out. Of course, if he had…how would he know? But I really get the question, though.

When I met with my parents and my lay counselor to talk about the incest part of my abuse, I remember my mother ageeing that something had definitely happened…if only they knew who it was. My father said that he did not remember doing any of those things.  Man…even now it is SO hard to write about this. It is as if my mind wants to run anywhere but there. And I want to cry…or shut down…or something.

He did not remember doing any of those things. I remember the words hit me at the time. I did not say anything about it…but I asked the counselor afterward. She wondered if I had caught that. We talked about how a falsely accused father would react…or at least how we think he would. There would be shock…of course. I did not see any then…nor do I remember hearing any in his voice after he got my initial letter…the one that led to the meeting.

There would be concern. Why was I thinking these things? What I got was accusations against my counselor. She must have suggested the abuse. She pointed out to him that I had memories BEFORE I came to her. I went to her because of the memories I had. I did not take any psychotropic drugs and I was not hypnotized. In short order, the memories were pretty much spontaneous during a prayer session I had with a pastor. That prayer session had nothing to do with memories.

In the weeks that ensued, my father collected everything he could find on the so called False Memory Syndrome. Since I did not regain my memories through any non-spontaneous ways, his next assumption was that they had come from the pit of hell. Satan, himself, had obviously planted them in an effort to tear our famly apart. What a laugh…seeing as how my family was not close anyway. My sister was in hiding…literally, although they knew where she was. Sadly, she ran away to another cult family…but that is another story.

I did bring up a current (then) way that he was violating my boundaries. He actually admitted to it and my mother was floored. He admitted that he knew I was uncomfortable, so she asked him why he did not stop. He said that I was old enough to say something. She pointed out that my actions were saying something. She actually got angry that he had ignored my actions, refusing to stop unless I verbally said something. Her anger diffused rather quickly, though. For at least a few moments I had her actually defending me…sort of.

Verbally asking him to stop…what a joke! I was programmed to silence. Never speak. Never open up. Never share. Never reveal to anyone else but do reveal all to the parents.  I was programmed to tell them everything they wanted to know, while never revealing anything to anyone else. He knew I could never say “no” to him…on anything. He took advantage of me…even as an adult.

When Angela whispered “you lie” to her father while sitting next to him…I remember thinking how brave she was to say that to him. I also remember his words.  They were something along the lines of “Now I’m only going to say this once more…and then I am not going to say it again…I didn’t do it.” It was as if the finality of his “not going to say it again” was supposed to somehow make it official that he was innocent of these crimes. Bah!

I also love the way he repeatedly says things like “may heaven strike me…or take me now” or things along those lines. Yeah, right…like that is ever likely to happen. I mean…come on…how safe of a statement. You would have an awful lot of people getting struck if it worked that way. Nothing like a safe swearing of innocence.

I have wondered many times if my father truly does not remember. Even if he doesn’t…even if he has blocked it out somehow…there is enough other stuff about him that scares me…which makes me wonder…why on earth have I initiated email contact with my parents? Well…I have my reasons for that and it is the subject for some other post at some other time.

Way to go, Angela. Our stories are different…yet, they are not. Incest is a part of ritual abuse. Sadly, there is a whole lot of other stuff beyond the incest. But bravery…well, it comes in all shapes and sizes. I will celebrate wherever I can find it. I know the source of my bravery is Yahweh…plain and simple. I could not do life without having that heart connection with my Creator…just could not do it.

Bravery. I think you, Angela Shelton, are very brave…along with all the other Angela Sheltons you met. So many brave women. What a celebration of bravery that movie is.  How comforting it is to see other women pushing through…and finding victory and peace…and truth!

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Busyness

June 9, 2009

I am SO busy. It really bugs me that I cannot get everything done that I want to do. Somehow, I need to figure out what to let go of. That is always so hard. I hope that I can find some balance without having give up anything precious. I love the things I do…well, most of them anyway.

I wonder if that is a human nature kind of thing…or a survivor thing…taking on too much. It amazes me how busy I can get. My life is basically pretty simple. It is not even that I take on that much. It is just that the few things I need to do take a lot of time. I am going to have to work on it and then get back here.

Overall, I am doing fairly well. The weather here gets to me sometimes. I am allergic to something here that tends to make me feel ill…so that does not help.  It drains me and makes it even harder to get things done.

I am at peace. I guess that is the most important thing. I have been in contact with my parents sporadically by email. Lately, it has increased. I was hoping that things had changed, but they don’t appear to. It can be difficult to say. After all, I know they have their hurts, too. I cannot blame them for that.

I like transparency, but that is one thing that I cannot have with them. I have never told them that I remember the ritual abuse. Why should I? My father denies the incest. Why on earth would I expect him to admit to the RA? My parents still seem to be angry at me. Oh, well. It would be nice if they were not, but there is nothing I can do about that.

I am not going to tell them that it was all a mistake. Even if I was totally wrong (which I do not believe for a minute), there are enough things indicated within their actions, behaviours and words to cause me to put up huge walls and draw some serious boundaries.

I feel for them. I truly do. I do not hate them. They are victims, too. I do not know if they will ever be free. I do not know if they are ready to face what they have done. I do not know if they are able to really fall upon the grace of a forgiving God (Yahweh). The things we have to do are so horrific. I really don’t know how I would have faced any of it without Yahweh being right there with me. Without Yeshua/Jesus, I simply could not have done it. I am just not that strong. I truly believe there is a lot more that I need to face…and I will…when the time is right. It will be hard, but I know what to do with it.

Today is a good day. I am alive. I am breathing and reasonably healthy. I am free. I know…I have limitations, but I am still free inside. Yes, I sometimes experience intense emotional pain, but it is much better than it was. It comes in cycles and, right now, I am doing pretty good. I am going through some tough life things, but I am actually handling them pretty well. I feel good about that.

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Sometimes

May 27, 2009

Sometimes…miracles really do happen.

Sometimes…we get to see them when they happen.

Sometimes…Yahweh moves in such a way as to clearly remind us that He really is still in control.

Sometimes…I can see Him to the degree that I am so humbled…and so in awe.

Sometimes…I can see how much I am really loved…

in spite of my weaknesses

in spite of my failings

in spite of my humanness

in spite of my brokenness

in spite of _____

just because

He has decided to!

Today has been one of those kinds of days. Shaky…yet awesome. Tired…yet touched.

I will always praise Him…both in the good times and in the hard…both when I “feel” like it and when I don’t.

He is good and there is none like Him…NONE!

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Triggered Today

May 26, 2009

Today is just one of those days. Been dealing with so much stuff lately, including parents, being excluded by someone at church,  so much to do. I don’t know…it is just one of those days when I am triggered and struggling.

I HATE being a RA survivor. Yet, that is what Yahweh has allowed. I know that He is taking the bad that happened…and is happening in other areas of my life…and is using it for good somehow. Somehow…He will be glorified in all of this. So be it.

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