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It’s Time…to Write…

October 15, 2010

I need to write. It is time…perhaps even past time. I am fighting tears right now and, I must confess, not doing a very good job of it.

Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it has to do with my parents (I know there is anger under the surface with that one). Maybe it is what feels like a tenuousness in my living situation (even though I am seeing Yahweh do amazing things). Maybe it is being in contact with a cousin (mother’s side) for the first time in many, many years (we never lived close so I have only met her a few times). Maybe it is my expectation of what may be to come…system wise…when we do finally move into the house (which will be unfinished inside). Maybe it is my age and/or the way this living situation has taken its toll on my health. Maybe it is something I don’t even know about…something that is buried deep inside and whirling around.

I see things I want to do…but cannot. My situation and time, along with my state of emotional/mental health holds me back. I want to contribute in ways that I am simply unable to. I want to keep up with my online friends…and cannot. And all of these things are OK…I know (in my head) that they are. But I struggle in my heart. My online friends…in all of their various places…mean a lot to me. They are a form of support that is precious to me. Yet…as beautiful and precious as they are…they are not enough. They, too, are human and facing challenges of their own. They are not able to always be available…which leads me to the next thing I need to write about.

There is something that has been happening in my spirit over a long time. But lately, well, the only way I know to describe it is that it is almost like a surge. It is as if my heart connection with Yahweh has surged forward. I have been facing some challenges…which I have really tried my best to deal with. Those challenges…like challenges often do…have pushed me toward Him even more. I need His wisdom and His guidance, but mostly…I need to rest in His love.

It seems that my faith gets stretched and my spiritual maturity grows through that. And then it seems like I hit the wall. I am utterly helpless and I find it necessary to fall back upon the childlike aspect of my faith. Yeshua said that we should trust like children do. And so that is what I do…I just fall into His love and trust Him for the things I simply cannot do…or even see.

So I rest in Him, trusting Him and drawing even closer to Him. The strength, maturity and depth from the stretching I went through settles in while He is preparing me for the next stretching session. I stretch. I grow. I rest. Stretch. Grow. Rest. A cycle that is as old as time and yet very much in the present and will continue to be right there in the midst of my future. One long strand tying past to present to future.

There are things in that “maybe” paragraph that I think I need to write about…but I think I will separate them out into different posts.

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2 comments

  1. I think it is always a shock to realize that we have outgrown the parameters of our spirituality. It took me a long time to realize that it’s normal, it’s good, and healthy.

    For the longest time I could not understand my inability to “go back” to the form of faith that once brought me comfort. I thought there was something wrong with me… that I was bad seed, just as my father had been. That was a scary time for me.

    If anything stretches our faith/ spirituality, it is therapy. I think it is because we compel ourselves to think about uncomfortable things that might be sidestepped, otherwise. It is not easy to question so many aspects of our upbringing, our culture, our values, etc. with all the distractions available to us.

    I definitely think the second half of my life aimed directly at growing into the ME I was created to be… and I’m a little hesitant about that because it always seems to lead me directly away from standard tenets of man made ways of viewing life.

    *sigh*

    Keep walking, sister. You’re upright, and that’s what matters most.

    ~meredith~


    • I do find it interesting, Meredith, how we can get so challenged by life and how it helps us to grow in faith. I find that every level I have ever reached in my spiritual maturity has later been surpassed. Yet…in all of that…for all of my growth…I see how very far I still have to go. There are times when I feel as if I fail on such huge levels. That is when my Abba reminds me that I bring joy to Him…and that His love is stronger than all my imperfections.



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