Forgiveness is huge…

Oh, the things that can weigh us down. I don’t mean the things they made us do. They are responsible for those. But as we grow up, as we start becoming responsible for ourselves and have real choices, we have to make a decision. Which path will we follow?

Will we continue on the ways of the cult? Or will we do everything in our power to fight it and leave? I truly do not know if someone can fully leave without Creator God’s help. I don’t believe so, but since I have known Him since I was very young, I don’t have that experience of not knowing Him to know for sure. I do know what they do is demonically driven whether they acknowledge it or not, so…

But I digress. This is about forgiveness. This is about the things we do once we have some kind of autonomy. None of us is perfect…survivor or not. We all make bad choices from time to time and some of those choices hurt others and/or hurt ourselves.

When we hurt another, we can ask for forgiveness…if given the option. Sometimes, there is no option. We can only take it to our heavenly Abba/Father and ask Him for forgiveness. We may have to make due without receiving the other person’s forgiveness.

But what if we know we are forgiven, yet it still haunts us. Why is Creator’s forgiveness not enough? Why is the other person’s forgiveness (if we were able to get it) not enough? I think it’s because we have not forgiven ourselves.

I used to struggle with not forgiving myself until I heard someone say something so simple and yet so profound. He said that, if we can accept that Creator, the One True God, forgave us, but we cannot forgive ourselves, then we are saying we know better than Creator. We are placing ourselves above Him. Ouch! That is prideful, no?

I never want to consider myself as better than Creator, not even subtly or unintentionally. What he shared really helped me to let go of some things. I can still struggle from time to time and those are the moments when I need to tell myself the truth.

I hope you all are able to find forgiveness when you need it. I hope you are also able to give it, but that is a subject for a different post.

Forgive…and be set free.

Seeing Deceptions

Seeing so much deception in the world can be very disheartening. Yet, there is an upside to it, too. Yep, an upside. It makes me more grateful than ever that I can see as clearly as I can. Am I saying I cannot be deceived? No. But I am saying that I know the One who is never deceived and He gives me insight as to what is really going on in the world.

I am grateful for the Creator’s Word…both the written and the Living. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives inside me, leading me and guiding me even when I am not aware of it and helping me to understand His written word…the bible. I am grateful for His Messiah who took care of the problem of darkness within me…my own evil and propensity to do wrong things.

There are those who have wronged me in the past. I have forgiven them. There are those who, I believe, are wronging me in the present. I forgive them. Does that mean I am unaffected? No. But the effects are lessened by the understanding the Spirit gives me.

When I look at the world through the eyes of my Creator, I see a lost world. The greatest darkness and deception are not from those in the world toward the rest of us. No, it is a deception that the deceivers themselves are caught up in. And that causes me to pity them.

Those attempting (and being very successful with many) to deceive us are themselves deceived. They do not see the Truth about the bigger plan our Creator has for this world. They think they are gaining power and have wealth to make them better than the rest of us, but they only have and do what they are allowed by our Creator to have and do.

Our Creator has a bigger plan of redemption for this world. He will make it brand new. But before that time, there will continue to be a battle between Light and dark, between Good and evil, between our spiritual adversary and us. But I know who wins. In the end, it is US through the Spirit of our Creator. Messiah has ALREADY won the battle over death and sin, but we need to walk that out in our lives.

I truly wish I did a much better job of that, but I am entrusting my spiritual well-being to my Creator. He knows my frame and that I am merely dust. Yet, He takes that dust and raises up out of it human beings made in His image. He makes beauty and love and all good things possible.

I cannot choose what happens to me in life, but I CAN choose my response to it. And I choose to worship my Creator and to walk in His ways as best I can out of love and gratitude and respect for Who He is.

So, when I see all the deceptions and I am tempted to be frustrated…or worse, afraid…I look to Him. I am comforted by the prophecies where He has spelled out for us what has happened, is happening now and will happen. I do not need to fear the future. He holds that in His capable hands. I need not fear the now, for He is working something good out of it.

I see the Light shining in the midst of the darkness. I see Messiah Yeshua (Jesus) coming. I also see a time of great trouble on the horizon before He comes back. But I know I am OK in the here and now. And I will be OK in the midst of the coming troubles because He will be here with me. Yeshua promised to never leave or forsake us and He is not a liar.

Just how does one…

Just how does one:

deal with the unbelievable

acknowledge the unthinkable

recognize the unknowable?

These are the things I am dealing with. Life has changed…drastically. And yet, life also goes on. I am focusing on things other than the tragedy.

I am refusing to allow this tragedy to define my life. Yet, I cannot pretend it did not happen…nor would I want to. Life is better lived when truth is faced and confronted…not when we run from truth.

I know I have not been writing on here much.  I have been busy doing life. I am studying the bible and watching as more and more prophecies are being fulfilled. More and more signs are happening and I am certain that time is winding down.

I have been studying the Hebrew language and it is unlike any other language in the world. The symbolism and patterns are very unique and the letters have meanings all their own. The wording of the beginning of Genesis is unique compared to the rest of the scriptures. It follows an unusual pattern. It is through the alef and how it appears in that very first sentence of Genesis that it has been believed by the Jewish sages from way back that the earth has six thousand years and then the 7th is the millennium of the reign of Messiah when He returns.

And there is more…so much more. It is amazing and mind-blowing.

Time is short, but as predicted long ago, the people of this day and age will not see it. They think it is just life as usual continuing on without change. But any serious student of the bible and of its ancient prophecies cannot help but see what is happening all around us.

Israel has come back. There is NO other nation in the world that has come back after almost 2,000 years. There is no other language that has come back into common usage after centuries of only being used as a prayer language. If you study how Israel became a nation again, you see miracle after miracle…as testified by those who were there.

There is SO much that clearly shows the hand of G-d moving in and around Israel. So many times, genocide has been attempted against the Israeli people…and yet they are STILL here!

The time is short. I hope…I pray…that others will see that. Yeshua is coming back…and it won’t be long now!

Are you ready? I am, but are YOU?

Update…of Sorts…Rambling Thoughts

So here I am…sitting here with many thoughts going through my head. I think I will share some here…in no specific order.

It is amazing how my heavenly Abba works things out. I recently reconnected by email with an online friend. Then I went to a webinar. During that webinar (which was excellent, by the way), we had the opportunity to respond to what the presenter was sharing about building healthy relationships with others.

Well, in the process, someone else there really related to what I was sharing. So, I gave out one of my emails…not the one I typically use with the aforementioned friend. The woman I met on the phone at the webinar wrote to me and I recognized her email addy. It was my friend! We actually got to “meet” on the phone and did not even know it because we were using screen names that were different from when we had met before. The funny thing, too, is that we knew each other by at least two other screen names each. Know we have a third! We were both excited to reconnect in two ways!

I am thinking about the webinar I am planning on doing. What artwork will I use? How will I get decent photos of the pieces? What will I share? I am looking forward to writing something up and picking out the pieces. I am excited about doing the webinar and hope I can be ready by August…given the unknown of my living situation between now and then.

I am thinking of mother’s day…of father’s day…of my parents. My “relationship”, which is pretty much non-existent, was part of what I shared about in the webinar. The ball is in their court and I am waiting…patiently…for his eventual response. Truth be told, most of the time I don’t even think about it.

However, Kitty (the presenter) shared something called DARVO. Boy, did that describe my family. D is for Deny, which is the first thing the abuser does when confronted. Then…they Attack…which is A. RVO is for Reverse Victim and Offender. By attacking me, when I confronted my parents, I became the “offender” and they the “victims”. I was “hurting them” with what I was saying. I also related to the fact that Kitty, when talking about denial, used the phrase “I don’t remember”. That is EXACTLY what my father said…”I don’t remember doing those things.” Boy, did I relate.

I am thinking of my my marriages…and the vast difference between the two…and the similarities, too. After all, I was in both of them and I have issues. How my husbands responded to my issues is different. And yet…there are times when my current husband can set me off.

I am thinking about sexuality…but that is a whole other post.

I am thinking about my sister, my birthday and her death. She died on my birthday…while I was regaining cult memories. Her death was odd…the manner, the timing. Everything about it and about what happened afterward was just plain wierd…and had the earmarks of cult.  Why was I stronger? Why did I get out? Why am I free? Is she even really dead? Or do they have her somewhere. So many questions…ones that I doubt I will get answers for before I stand before my Creator at the end of time.

I think about my sister…how young she was…how she was living on extended time as a hard core alcoholic and bulimic. I think about the cult family she was living with and how they treated her. I think about her boyfriend who never married her…which was good in the end. I might never have even known she was dead if his parents could have been able to claim her body. I think of their attempts to manipulate me…and of my parents’ attempts.

And I wonder if my parents think of her…and what they think of her. I wonder if they really even think of me…or is it still all just about my son?

I think about the art I want to do…and have no place or privacy to do. I long to do my art…to get back to processing things…whether by art or by writing…by poetry, journaling or blogging.

It has been difficult to find uninterrupted time in my busy days to write here. I feel as if there is so much inside to write about…and yet it is difficult to actually write. I feel as if I am just rambling in my thoughts…rambling in my brain and rambling on “paper”.

Ah, well. Sometimes it is good to just get the rambling out. Maybe it will only make sense to me. That is OK. I know my online friends won’t mind. They are very forgiving. Perhaps more thoughts of substance will come another time. For now…I will live in today…one day at a time. And I will love the people in my life today…each and every day. They are gifts for a time and I cherish them.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…what joys or what sorrows…what new memories will be made or what old ones I will be reminded of. I do know Who holds me together and Who will always be with me…no matter what…my heavenly Abba, my Creator. I choose to walk. I choose to trust. Whatever comes with each new day…I will be given whatever I need to handle it.

I hope this post makes sense to others and that it helps someone else. I know it helps me to get things out. I wish I could write more…but I am keeping someone else awake. This is my best uninterrupted time…but it is also not my free time.  There is a weight hanging over me. *sigh* Maybe I can write more tomorrow. We will see.

Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt

This is always a tough time of year. Knowing what I do about what goes on around this time of year…well, it is really hard to just skate through it. In some ways, I am effected less. In other ways, more.

I was doing pretty well…or so I thought. I don’t know if it just crept up on me…or if the rest of life just combined with it to kind of push me over the edge a bit. I find that I have been battling some depression lately…and I am teary. There are things in my life that could certainly cause that…aside from being a ritual abuse survivor. However, I really cannot assume that the RA stuff does not also impact me.

I find it interesting that I feel almost guilty when I feel OK during this time of year…when I am able to push aside my survivor issues and just enjoy life. It almost feels as if I am betraying the ones who will die this year…the ones who will be abused and tortured…the ones who will be filmed and sold. They deserve to be remembered…to be prayed for. So…when I feel better…I almost feel as if that is a betrayal of them.

Yet…could it not actually be an honoring of them…in the sense that at least one of us got out and conquered. Well, not conquered exactly…but was able to find joy and at least be able to somewhat function? I don’t know. These are just the things I am thinking of…the things I am feeling.

I love this season…but hate this time of year. I love the colors and smells, but hate what is going on in hidden places where people do not want to see.

Survivor guilt. Why should I make it out? Why should I be able to enjoy life? Yet…it is in the enjoyment of life…in spite of my history…that, perhaps, my truest victory lies. I win when I can enjoy any aspect of life…any at all. I win when I can enjoy my freedom…instead of being bound to them…instead of being their slave. I win! So, why can’t I just enjoy the winning? Because I know others are still suffering.

Many who have broken free from the cult groups still suffer in body and soul. Many have not broken free and they definitely still suffer. My own sister never really made it out. Do I celebrate life in her honor? Yes. Still…I cannot help but feel some guilt. At least…I think it is called guilt. I just know I struggle with having too much knowledge. Ignorance, though, is not safe. *sigh*

Doing Well

I’ve been doing really well. It’s nice to have a time when I am feeling good…and strong. I never know how long it will last, but it sure is nice while it is here.

Tonight, I am feeling a bit triggered, but I don’t know why. This is typical for me. I just seem to get hit out of the blue. I wish I could pinpoint more of what the triggers are. Then, maybe I could work through them.

I have not seen a therapist now since October 29th. I am handling it very well. I’ve been triggered a couple times or so in church, but not badly. At least I have a pretty good idea why I am triggered there, especially during communion.

Each day is a new day. I am resting in Yahweh God and trusting Him to get me through. He is very good and brings healing to me…in various ways. So long as I keep my eyes on Him and trust Him and listen to Him, I do well.

God’s Word as Honey

I was asked about the verse I referred to in the previous post, so I just figured I would put it here.

Psa 119:103 How sweet are your promises to my taste, more than honey to my mouth!

I have found this to be true. God’s Words are sweet to my spirit just as honey is to my taste. They are refreshing to me.

I have read that honey has been discovered to have many healing properties, especially raw honey. It is a natural antibiotic to some germs and can help with allergies if you get it from a local source.

God’s word helps to kill the lies that infect my mind and spirit. They also help to protect me from the things that want to overwhelm my spiritual immune system, just like allergies do my physical immune system.

What a sweet time of fellowship I have when I take the time to sit in His presence and rest in Him.