Years ago, Twila Paris did a song called “The Warrior Is a Child”. I mentioned it in the post before this one. I decided after publishing that post to listen to the song. Here is a link to that song followed by another favorite “Do I Trust You?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Pzu-jWpcdw
As I listened, once again, I was reduced to tears. In my mind I flashed on the brave young child parts who fought so valiantly to try and keep themselves and the rest of us safe. Small children trying to protect even younger children. They are all blended into me now, no longer separate, but their essence is still here. They are me. They always were and still are, just in a different form.
So, here’s to all the brave parts of me that fought battles no child should EVER have to fight.
Here’s to all the young warriors who fought for life and sanity and soul through the darkest of nights and the darkest of evils.
You are always in my heart, younger parts of me. And the results of your bravery and courage remain. Even if I do not see all your faces and know all your names, I honor you. You did well. You fought well. It is partly because of you that we are as healed as we are today and are now one–unified.
Connection with others is important for our health and overall well-being. It’s important physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But to have connection, one needs to have sharing between people. But to share, there needs to be trust. I have to trust you enough to be transparent and share who I am.
It’s easier to connect when you have a common background. We see that in recovery groups, grief groups, veterans groups and a whole host of other categories. Although not always the case, for most people in those groups, it is easier to start off with at least some level of trust and connection and some level of camaraderie. They know the others in the room understand something about them through shared experiences and struggles.
With those who have come out of SRA/RA/MC, it is a bit trickier. We don’t know where the other person is in their healing. We don’t know if they have reporting alters or sabotaging alters. I had a really close friend set off a suicide program. Thankfully, it was really obvious what happened and I was able to deal with it immediately. Eventually, I had to distance myself from that friend because there were different programs running connected to her. She was being used to try and keep me from completely getting free and staying free. She was keeping tabs on me.
So, yeah, it’s a bit trickier when you are a survivor connecting with a survivor. But what if you are trying to connect with a non-survivor? The person might truly not be a survivor or they might be, but don’t know it, yet. It makes a difference in how much you can share. Even if the person is not a survivor, there are many who simply cannot handle the truth. Or, they can only handle a small part of the truth. It doesn’t help connection if the person thinks you are crazy or weird! Or, if they are just plain freaked out. There are so many obstacles to connecting, trusting, sharing.
Personally, I prefer to share in person where I can see the other person’s responses and body language. I am rather leery of sharing much over the phone or in email. But I will share over the phone if I get a good sense of how open and accepting the person is.
We recently had a visitor and, because we are looking to establish a spiritual faith based connection with this person, I did share a lot. Not the nitty gritty details, of course. I try to keep the “ick” factor down both for others and for myself. But, I will share what I can when I can because I want people to know the truth. I want them to know what they are hearing about–what is being made more and more public–is real. And in this case, I also want connection.
But there is a price to pay for sharing. Always. Later come the doubts. Did I share too much? Did I read the person incorrectly? Did I blow them away and they were just too polite to show it? Have I now put in place a hindrance to connecting? There might be a lingering don’t tell program trying to run that needs to be cleaned up. Of course, followup interactions can help to clarify and I recognize a lot is in my own head. I also tell myself it doesn’t matter. If I lose out on this or that connection due to oversharing, oh well. Sometimes, it is better to be alone with God than to be with others who cannot, or will not, accept the true you.
One thing that was really big in this sharing is that I shared having been a multiple. That is something I rarely share with a non-survivor. The last thing I want is someone studying me, looking to see if they might see a hint of a split still there. Ugh! Yet, it’s part of my story. It’s also part of the amazing healing work Creator has done in my life! So, on the one hand, yeah it’s risky to share. But on the other hand, what a testimony of God’s goodness! How can I NOT share?
I am hopeful for this new connection (and, hopefully, others) my husband and I are making. How will it turn out? I don’t know. Only our heavenly Abba/Father knows that. But if it does fail, it won’t be because I hid the truth and pretended to be someone I am not. I know there are some who people look up to me and that always amazes me because, deep inside, I am still on that healing journey. I still have my struggles. Just as the Twila Paris song “The Warrior Is a Child” says (regarding those who look up to me):
“They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down They don’t know Who picks me Up when no one is around I drop my sword and cry for just a while ‘Cause deep inside this armor The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest People say that I’m amazing Never face retreat But they don’t see the enemies That lay me at His feet”
They don’t know. Yet, that is why I like being transparent. Sometimes, the greatest testimony to God’s goodness is not what He has brought us through, but what He continues to bring us through. I have had people say, as they have watched me fight my battles, that I never gave up on God. I think that was the greatest testimony of all. He was always there with me, getting me through things, and my walk with Him is so read, I never walked away. How could I? He is EVERYTHING to me! He is LIFE!
I so hope you know Him. One of the things I call Him is Yeshua. Others know Him as Jesus. He is real and He is here for you.
Over the years, I’ve done a lot of healing work and made a lot of progress. As I’ve become more stable and moved forward in my healing, I’ve continued to experience losses of various kinds.
One of the things I’ve noticed about losses is how later losses seem to tap into prior losses. I’m not just feeling the heart pain of the current loss. I seem to be feeling the pain of all the prior losses that I never really got the process. That’s what I call accumulated losses.
Once I realized my true history of being a survivor of SRA, my life focus had to switch to keeping myself and my child safe. I had to deal with a father who kept intentionally saying and sending me things to try and trigger me. My parents didn’t like that I was keeping their grandchild from them. I never told them I remembered the SRA abuse. The only thing I ever shared with them was the incest.
For years, so many things in life kept hitting. We were hit financially. We were hit in our living situation. For a number of years we had to live in a tiny little RV. And I do mean tiny. But it was way better than having to live in a car! We weren’t quite homeless.
Just doing day-to-day life took everything I had. But it finally got to a point where it was time to start grieving all the many many losses I experienced as been through SRA, plus just the normal losses of life. They were all piled up.
When I started on that process, I it was offered an opportunity in the recovery field that I’m grateful I took. But two things happened with that. One is that I kind of had the grieving process sidelined a bit. I did go to a Griefshare group, but I didn’t focus as fully on grieving as I had planned.
The other thing that happened was that I ended up being re-traumatized. It’s a complicated story and I won’t go into the details. On the one hand, had an amazing experience. On the other hand, I was also a board member of the same organization and had to become a whistleblower in order to save the organization. The end result was I got very retraumatized.
I lost a lot of games in that process, especially health-wise. Mentally and emotionally, I got thrown backwards so far. Today, I’m doing way better. I’m almost to the point I was before I took that job.
So that brings me back to the grieving process. I am working through processing and grieving accumulated losses of over six decades. I am blessed in that I haven’t really lost people super close to me. I’ve lost immediate relatives, but I wasn’t really close to any of them. So it doesn’t impact me the same way it does people who lose close loved ones.
So what are the accumulated losses? There are many. There are the losses I experienced from moving so much. Friends and places I moved away from. Friendships I was never able to develop because I didn’t know how because we moved so often. Losses aren’t just the result of death. Losses can be estrangement. Losses can be getting fired from a favorite job without cause. Losses can be finding out someone you thought was trustworthy really wasn’t. It could be the loss of a person, a relationship, a pet. It can be the loss of childhood innocence. It can be the loss of life you were forced to participate in, whether you knew the victim or not. (It’s worse if you knew them.) The loss of being able to live a life without double binds. It can also be as simple as the loss of my first garden because my then husband broke the rules and we were evicted. It can be the loss of dreams you now realize are never going to be fulfilled. Big and small, they all pile up.
If we really think about it, there are so many kinds of losses and they all come together. Especially if we do not have the opportunity to properly process and grieve them.
A big part of my grieving process is my relationship with Creator…God of the Bible…YHWH…Messiah Yeshua/Jesus. I have a heavenly Abba/Father who is always with me. He brings me comfort and healing. He helps me when I’m reeling and shaking, and when the losses finally become real enough that I can sob my heart out. He gives me ideas on how to process it all and brings key important people into my life to help me. I could not do it without Him.
Whatever losses you are going through, I hope you find the help and the healing you need.
I experienced something at the dentist’s office I’ve never experienced before. This post has to deal with the shots they give to numb the pain. So, if that makes you a little squeamish, before warned. To be honest, I wasn’t going to write about this because I don’t want to give anyone what they think is a good reason to not go get their teeth taken care of. I’m writing to prepare people for what “could” happen and how you get through it. It’s temporary and it all comes out good in the end.
Usually, when I’ve gone to the dentist, they used q-tips with some kind of numbing solution on them to temporarily numb my gums and cheeks so I won’t feel it when they use the needle to inject the longer lasting numbing medication. The needle goes in multiple times and, for the most part, I don’t feel it. There are always places where that needle goes in deeper and I do feel it. But it’s short-lived. They’re in and out.
I absolutely hate the numbing process. There’s never a time when I don’t feel pain from at least two or three of the injections. I don’t know if it’s the needle itself going deeper than the surface numbness or if it’s the solution in the needle.
I’d never been to this dentist before and I have no idea if what I’m about to describe is always the way he works or if it just had to do with the procedures he needed to do on my mouth. I just know it was a first for me.
He used the surface numbing stuff, but I don’t know how much it really helped the shots he gave. He went directly into the roof of my mouth on both sides. It hurt quite a bit. However, what was really unnerving is how the numbing worked.
It felt as if the roof of my mouth was swelling. Most importantly, it felt as if the back of the roof of my mouth was closing down onto my throat. It wasn’t, to be clear. But it felt like it was.
I found myself with a very weird sensation of being able to breathe in, which I always did through my nose, very easily. But I struggled to breathe out. I actually ended up sitting up at one point telling him I couldn’t breathe. But the reality was I could breathe. The air was moving in and out, but it felt as if I struggled to push the air out. He described it as a parasympathetic reaction.
Although I had heard the term parasympathetic before, I wasn’t sure how it applied. What I understood him to be telling me, in the moment, was that it wasn’t happening the way it felt like it was happening. In other words, my throat wasn’t really closing off. Although it felt like I struggled to breathe out, the reality was I could breathe out. He also mentioned the fact that I could swallow just fine even though it might feel like I couldn’t. I was so focused on the idea of breathing I didn’t really pay that much attention to swallowing. But yes, it was a bit difficult to swallow. But then, it always is for me when I’m all numbed up.
Later, I decided to look up parasympathetic:
I also looked up related parasympathetic definitions in an effort to understand what happened. I can’t say I fully understand it, but I think this is what happened. The nerves he numbed were also somehow connected to nerves that deal with our autonomic system. Autonomic basically means things we do automatically. We don’t have to consciously breathe, for example, it just happens automatically.
Somehow the nerves that have to do with my breathing were affected. But not in a way that actually stopped me from breathing. It just felt that way. At least, that’s what I think happened.
What I do understand, is that it’s apparently quite common and my first time experiencing it darn near caused me to freak out. What really helped was the calmness of the dentist and the fact that this is apparently a normal thing. He was reassuring that I will continue to be able to breathe and to swallow.
It wasn’t hard to believe him because I could breathe in quite readily. It was only the sensation of it being harder to breathe out that was freaky. And I remember puzzling over it. Because why would I be able to breathe in normally and yet struggle to breathe out? If you’re from going one direction, why not in both? I don’t understand that one. But I do understand it felt very unnerving, no pun intended, and the shots through the roof of my mouth hurt like no other shot I’ve ever had in my mouth.
After he got done with the first procedures, he had to do the other procedures. I was in the chair a total of four hours. So that meant I had to get the shots again in order to finish. This time, though, I was prepared. I knew what was coming.
The interesting thing about the second two shots is that the parasympathetic sensation wasn’t as strong. Or perhaps, I was simply more prepared for it and therefore stayed calmer and perhaps that calmness lessened the strength of it. However, one of the two second shots hurt a whole lot more than the two first shots. I was literally gripping the chair on that one. It seems like it went longer, too. Looking back at it, it might have been because that second shot had to go in the same place as I did the first time. So maybe there was just more tenderness there. I don’t know. But the thing is, I got through it! It’s now just a memory.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a good dentist who’s willing to work with you and who understands how traumatic this kind of stuff can be, especially for somebody who’s already an extreme trauma survivor. It’s also important, if at all possible to have someone there with you. I know my husband rubbing my leg while they were working on me made a huge difference. I know all of the chit chat about other things also was a nice distraction. My husband also knew to ask questions and keep conversation going. It all helps.
As I wrote in the beginning. I was hesitant to even share this experience because I know there are some who will use it as an excuse to not get the work done they need to get done. I’m writing it to prepare you for what “could” happen so you can be prepared. As our favorite weather man always says, “don’t be scared. Be prepared.”
One of the things I always think about is the fact there’s nothing in the dentist’s office that’s going to happen that’s worse than what I’ve already been through and survived. Will it be unpleasant? Absolutely! No way I’m going to sugarcoat that. But will it kill me? No!
Because so many of us have to deal with PTSD of some kind, it’s often easy to believe we cannot do the things we actually can do. Yes, it might be harder. But we are a lot tougher than we think we are. The cost of not getting the work done can be greater than the cost of getting it done.
My teeth got so bad because we just didn’t have the money to go to the dentist. Had I been able to get regular cleanings, things could have been caught sooner and I could have gotten fillings rather than needing root canals or extractions.
So please, if you’re a survivor, I know it’s tough going to the dentist, but go. Take care of your teeth. It will be worth it in the long run.
In the post right before this one, I share some basic general tips about how to deal with going to the dentist. I hope you find both of these posts to be helpful.
I went to the dentist yesterday and spent 4 hours in the dentist’s chair. What started off as two root canals and an extraction turned into one root canal and two extractions with bone graft and a bridge. I’m so grateful the hardest part of what needs to be done is done.
Going to the dentist isn’t really a fun thing for anybody. For survivors, it can be downright traumatizing, especially if we don’t handle it properly and/or you just have a dentist who doesn’t care.
I’m cautious in using that word “properly”because properly doesn’t look the same for everybody. Only you know what’s best for you and what will help you get through things like this.
It’s helpful to think ahead. Would it help to bring a fidget or something you can have in your hands to hold on to? You can get things that are really small and not obvious if you were a little shy about having to have something.
Is there someone you can bring with you? I am very grateful for my husband who sat next to my feet and kept rubbing my leg. It really helped me to calm down.
I also find it’s helpful to be open with the staff about being an extreme trauma survivor. I don’t have to tell them the specific trauma. Believe it or not, a lot of dentists are actually pretty familiar with working with trauma survivors. I tell them what I need. The thing that’s most helpful for me is that they tell me what they’re doing as they’re doing it. Fun chit chat also helps to distract.
I was very blessed with this dentist yesterday and with his team. At my first appointment when they took all the x-rays and figured out what I’ll needed to be done I told him ahead of time but I need it. They were wonderful with that. I have a strong gag reflex. So they were okay with my yank and that x-ray device out of my mouth as soon as that picture got taken.
Yesterday was really tough because of what needed to be done. It was physically traumatizing to my mouth, obviously, and yeah I was nervous. But they kept telling me how good I was doing. They were trying to be in tune as best they could with how I was doing emotionally and mentally, not only physically.
This dentist know I was working on a limited budget and a time frame before I lose my coverage. He jumped through hoops to make it work. And they couldn’t save one tooth he was able to work it out that he traded the root canal for a bridge and still brought me under budget.
When I thanked the dentist, he expressed a gladness that he was able to actually help. He’s not real close, but he’s worth the travel!
If you know survivors in your area, it’s a good idea to ask them who they use. Who do they like? Who do they not like? And why? When you can find someone who’s really good with survivors, that’s a treasure. Treasure or not, though, you still need to be prepared.
So think about what you need and be prepared to communicate that, whether in a letter you write for them to read or whether you verbalize it. Bring along with you what you need to help stay grounded. If you’ve got someone who can come along to support you, bring them. If you’re a person of faith, ask others to pray for you during that time. Make sure you get all your questions answered. A lot of times we can’t avoid dental work. But we can find ways to work through it and make it better.
I’m hoping you never have to get serious dental work done. But I hope if you do, I’ve given you some tips to help you get through it. If you can think of any tips in addition to these, please put them in the comments below.
Oh, the things that can weigh us down. I don’t mean the things they made us do. They are responsible for those. But as we grow up, as we start becoming responsible for ourselves and have real choices, we have to make a decision. Which path will we follow?
Will we continue on the ways of the cult? Or will we do everything in our power to fight it and leave? I truly do not know if someone can fully leave without Creator God’s help. I don’t believe so, but since I have known Him since I was very young, I don’t have that experience of not knowing Him to know for sure. I do know what they do is demonically driven whether they acknowledge it or not, so…
But I digress. This is about forgiveness. This is about the things we do once we have some kind of autonomy. None of us is perfect…survivor or not. We all make bad choices from time to time and some of those choices hurt others and/or hurt ourselves.
When we hurt another, we can ask for forgiveness…if given the option. Sometimes, there is no option. We can only take it to our heavenly Abba/Father and ask Him for forgiveness. We may have to make due without receiving the other person’s forgiveness.
But what if we know we are forgiven, yet it still haunts us. Why is Creator’s forgiveness not enough? Why is the other person’s forgiveness (if we were able to get it) not enough? I think it’s because we have not forgiven ourselves.
I used to struggle with not forgiving myself until I heard someone say something so simple and yet so profound. He said that, if we can accept that Creator, the One True God, forgave us, but we cannot forgive ourselves, then we are saying we know better than Creator. We are placing ourselves above Him. Ouch! That is prideful, no?
I never want to consider myself as better than Creator, not even subtly or unintentionally. What he shared really helped me to let go of some things. I can still struggle from time to time and those are the moments when I need to tell myself the truth.
I hope you all are able to find forgiveness when you need it. I hope you are also able to give it, but that is a subject for a different post.
Two deaths in our local community seem to have me reconnecting with my sister’s death. I didn’t know either person closely, just a bit from the recovery rooms…rooms I have not been in for awhile now. Although I did not really know them, I know people who did and they are hurting.
I weathered the first one. It made me angry and I wrote on my recovery blog about something I hear in the recovery community that I believe sets people up for relapse. I am not the only one who believes that. It was a good outlet for my emotions and I plan on sending it up to the state level folks I know in the recovery community. Who knows? Maybe it will bring about positive change?
But the second death…oof. I ended up crying over that one even though, again, I didn’t really know the person. I am not from here so I do not have the deep and wide roots of the community. The circumstances of the two deaths reminded me of my sis. Alcohol and drugs for one and suicide for the other.
The circumstances of my sis’s death are crazy and confusing. The cult family she was living with implied she killed herself, but then they apparently told the mother a different story entirely…or the mother lied to me. Both options are up for grabs.
Official report: alcohol and Rx med toxicity. Was it intentional? I truly don’t know. I can easily believe she wanted to stop hurting, but did she intend to overdo? Did she intend to die? Don’t know.
I do know she was supposedly on a suicide watch and left alone that night. There are a number of things that don’t make sense, but I’m not going to go into right now. I may have written previously in the blog about it. I don’t remember.
The thing is, I believe the two recent local deaths tapped into her death. I am going back to a grief group in about a month and I guess it’s time to process her death more and grieve more.
She was quite a bit younger than me and we could not get close. The mother never allowed us to connect once I moved out. When she ran away, it was hard because she did not trust me. And actually, looking back at it (before my memories told me the truth about my SRA history, she was probably correct.)
Death means loss. Not just loss of what was (which wasn’t a whole lot for us), but also loss of what could have/should have been. There are no more chances now. She is gone from this life forever. I do believe, however, I will see her in eternity. When Yeshua comes to make a new heaven and new earth, we will reunite.
Until then, here I am, doing the best I can in a world gone crazy.
I was so programmed growing up to make decisions based on what they expected of me, of what I was trained to do, or of what I thought they expected of me–even if they didn’t.
The last few months, or maybe even the last year(?), I have been growing through some changes. I find myself becoming freer to make decisions without regard for others. It’s not that I can make decisions that can hurt others. That would not be good. But I can make decisions regardless of the expectations of others.
I am becoming freer to do what I think is best for me. Or even (gasp) what I simply want to do for fun! I am so used to being driven. There was always this sense of needing to be productive. Simply sitting and being still was not an easy thing to do guiltfree. It felt as if I was somehow wasting time. I was supposed to be reading, studying, cleaning, sorting–anything but just sitting.
Sitting with Creator for a short spell was fine. But even then, to just sit in His presence without at least reading my Bible or praying/talking to Him felt like a no no. Now I find it easier to just sit. No thinking. No action. Just enjoying the sights and sounds of my surroundings, just enjoying being in His presence. The more I step into this freedom, the more amazing it is and the more the hold drivenness has over me slips off, the more the control of those who raised me up this way slips off.
One doesn’t have to be physically in the control of another. Control can come from programming, training, expectations, memories. There are so many ways we can be “controlled” without even realizing it because it’s all we’ve ever known. So, to start experiencing true freedom is an amazing thing. It’s almost surreal. But oh, what a weight is lifted off of us.
I know I recognized my drivenness and I recognized the guilt I felt. But I don’t think I realized how huge it really was in my life until I started walking out of it. I didn’t realize how much it was holding me back from being the me I was lovingly fashioned to be by my heavenly Abba/Father.
So, I encourage all who feel driven, even if you don’t know why, to breathe deeply and take a few moments to just sit still, quietly. Pay attention to your surroundings. If you can do it outside in nature, that’s even better.
Sit. Breathe. Observe. Enjoy the beauty of the world around you. Be grateful for that world. Give thanks to Creator who made it.
You might only be able to do that for a minute. That’s ok. A minute can seem like a very long time when you are not used to it. Use a timer if you need to. One minute. Get used to that. Then add a minute. Then add another minute. Keep going and you will find yourself experiencing a taste of undriven freedom.
Feel free to comment on how your freedom journey is going.
I was all set to start a private support group for three of us survivors. One survivor, though, had health issues that caused us to wait. She finally got to the point of being ready, but now I find I am not ready.
Lately, I have found myself being more vulnerable. No specific reason, just more vulnerable. When I am feeling that way, being in a survivor support group is usually not the best. I am more easily triggered and just not in a really great space for giving support, especially to folks I am not real close to. It’s a drop in group and there are often new people.
Of course, this private group is with two people I know and one with whom I am really close. She has become a friend. So, even though I am putting off the group, she and I will continue to support one another. But am I really best suited for even that kind of group?
Currently, I am rethinking the idea of the group. I think I do better supporting others one on one. I like using text and email for supporting others because it allows me to read and respond when I am ready. Plus, if someone is in crisis, they know they can reach out to me.
So, I am re-evaluating what I want to do and, more importantly, what I need to do for good self care. I have opportunities in front of me and adding things often means taking away some things or putting other things on hold.
I will talk more about opportunities later once some things are finalized and made more “public”. For now, I am learning to let go of expectations and to be free to be and do what I need instead of what others think I should be and do.
If you haven’t read part 1, it’s important you do so you have the background for what I’m about to write.
God reveals His plans to us. The enemy sees everything we see, hears everything we hear and more. Because the satan/adversary is in the spiritual realm, he knows things about God we don’t. This is why it is so critical we rely upon the Holy Spirit. But in order to correctly hear and understand the Holy Spirit, we have to be in right relationship with Creator. if we harbor sin in our lives, we put up a wall between us and YHVH. We make it harder to hear Him and understand Him. In perilous times, this is even more dangerous than in safe times.
Another important thing to understand is that our spiritual enemy plans substitutes for God’s plans. He plans look alikes. Does Creator do miracles? Well so does the adversary. The adversary cannot create something out of nothing, but he can manipulate what’s there to make it appear he’s creating something out of nothing. Every gift of the spirit, the adversary can duplicate. There is real power in witchcraft.
The gift of tongues is the most easily faked and falsely replicated gift there is. Yet, how many fellowships overemphasize this gift over, for example, the fruit of the Spirit. The true test of the Holy Spirit being in a person is the fruit, not the gifts. It’s their heart attitude. I’ve seen and heard of people with the “gift of tongues” who had an air of superiority. Even if they didn’t openly look down their noses at those who did not speak in times, you could see it in their demeanor. You could hear it in their words. Their lives did not reflect Holy Spirit fruit.
The adversary loves to divide and to create false hierarchies. This should never be so in the body of Messiah. All are equal, regardless of their particular giftings. All are equal, regardless of their manner of serving. Do not look down upon others. Do not look up to others. Do not be jealous of others.
While we’re looking at giftings, let’s look at things like words of knowledge and speaking prophetically over a person. Fortune tellers do a very good job of reading people. Can believers not do the same thing? There are times when a word of knowledge is really simply keen observation. It’s listening carefully to the heart of the person, seeing their felt need, and speaking to that need.
Am I saying the gifts are not real? Absolutely not! What I’m saying is we have an over emphasis on signs and gifts rather than on fruit and loving actions. Signs and gifts can be duplicated and imparted by the adversary and, in some cases by simple human effort.
How many people who have a gift actively pray for the Holy Spirit to show them if that gift is truly from Him or from the adversary or even from their own flesh? I’ve been used by the Holy Spirit and I have asked Him to show me these things. I encourage others to do so also. But be prepared for what He may show you. It just might humble you. It might even shock you.
Our enemy observes humankind and knows our weaknesses and how to exploit them. This is another reason why our number one focus has to be Creator, not what Creator can give, but Creator Himself. If He wants us to have gifts, He will give them. We just have to let Him know we are open to that. And we had better be careful with our motives for wanting any particular gift. Also, better be willing to follow the clearly laid out rules given in scripture for the use of those gifts. Yes, I’m thinking in particular of tongues.
Regarding prophets, the adversary sees many things we do not see. He sees every plan man is making. Think about that. Do you think he did not know a certain person was going to run for the presidency? Do you think he did not see the plans that good people are using to fight evil? Do you think he does not know what we want to hear? Again, I’m not saying prophecy is bad or not for today. What I am saying is to be very very careful to not be fooled by what is called prophecy. Test the spirits. Look at the fruit. And make sure that prophecy does not contradict the Bible. God is not going to speak against His own Word.
Speaking of the word, people say the Bible has been really tampered with. One problem with that is that every time we discover older manuscripts, the differences are so minor. And when you read the Bible as a whole, the truth is there. They might change this or change that remove this insert that. But the Bible as a whole still contains all the truth we need.
In the garden, we were tempted with the idea of being like God. We still are. The adversaries first tactic was to question what God said. “Did God really say…?” He tried to raise doubt about what God actually said. And we are very tempted to embellish. In Eve’s reply she added a restriction God never put on there. So there’s two problems right out the gate.
We are also tempted to let someone else go through the fire while we observe. If they make it through okay, then we can try it. That’s what Adam did. He was there the whole time. Did he warn his beloved? No. He watched her eat and saw she survived and so he ate. She ate and didn’t want to be alone in her law breaking, so she encouraged him to join her. We listened to the adversary and really made a mess of things right out the gate.
Part of that wanting to be like God is to know things, high things in the spiritual realm. I’m seeing people chasing after a lot of esoteric knowledge, secret things, hidden things. We are told in the word that everything we need is plainly written in Scripture. While there are deeper meanings to some things, there’s nothing hidden in there. But the Holy Spirit leading us and guiding us, we can have all the insight we need.
I’m writing this because of all the deception I see going on in the world. The adversary is still speaking and we are still hearing. We are still tempted to be like God. We still want power and authority beyond what is actually given us. And we are given power and authority in Messiah Yeshua. But not for our Glory, it’s for His glory. But how many of us really enjoy the glory we get? Be honest. Our flesh longs for Glory.
We still want to know hidden mysteries. Think about it. How many times have you seen somebody act superior because they knew something you didn’t? How many times have you felt superior because you had an insight somebody else clearly didn’t have? Be honest. What kind of fruit is that?
So I encourage you today and I plead with you to be discerning. Seek after Creator and ask Him to show you what is yours and what is not. Be content with whatever your gifting is. Do not seek giftings. Seek Him. Unless you think I am being judgmental here, bear in mind I am speaking to myself also. I write from observing my own struggles as well as observing what I see in others. I am admonishing myself also.
We live in a multi-dimensional world. Most people are either unaware of, or intentionally ignore, the spiritual dimension. Their focus is primarily, or even solely, on the physical, the material. That’s a dangerous way to live for the material is going to pass away, but the spiritual will go on forever.
In that spiritual dimension live spiritual beings, some of them good and some of them evil. What you call these beings is really irrelevant so long as you understand what they are and what their purpose is.
We tend to lump them into two categories. Angels and demons. The word translated angel just means messenger. In fact, the word is also used for people messengers, although it’s hidden in the translations. Most people tend to think of angels as being good spiritual beings. However, there are angels who fell away from their position of good and became evil. They are typically described as being demons. Clearly, this is an oversimplification. The important thing to remember is there are spiritual beings and some of them are there for our good, to help and protect us and some are there for our detriment, intent on destroying us.
Some people get caught up in trying to label all these different kinds of spiritual beings and pin them down to this task or that task. To me, that’s not really important. What’s important is that we recognize there are two basic kinds, good and evil. We don’t really need to concern ourselves with the good ones. They will always do the will of Creator. But that’s not the case with the evil ones.
One of the biggest problems with the evil ones is they can disguise themselves as good ones. We are told they can appear as an angel of Light. Think about that very seriously. We tend to think of light as being good.
How many times have you heard or read of people encountering spiritual beings and they appear to be like light. They appear to be good, bringing knowledge and understanding and wisdom. Some of them will even bring gifts of power telling you how to discover all kinds of things about yourself.
We already have everything we need to know in the Bible in order to live a successful and happy life of being connected with Creator. Without being in right relationship with Creator we cannot have a truly fulfilling life. But these evil beings will tell you otherwise.
We might have a successful life in the eyes of the world, but it won’t be a completely fulfilling life. Yeshua said He came to give life and to give it abundantly. He wasn’t talking about wealth or status or glitz. He was talking about the abundance that comes from being in right relationship with Him and our heavenly Father.
Any spiritual being that appears, no matter how beautiful they might look or seem, if they teach anything contrary to the revealed Word of YHVH (God) in the Bible, they are evil. They can do this very subtly, just as one did in the garden. More about that later.
They appeal to our felt needs. That’s one reason it’s so dangerous to mishandle the Word of God, to try to make it’s say things we want it to say, instead of accepting what it actually says. There’s some hard passages in there, but unless we accept the truth of them, we are open to deception.
We are told life is going to be hard. There will be trials and tribulations. Yet, we want the easy way out, so we focus on scriptures that seem to tell us it’s all going to be great. And those demonic angels, those fallen angels who left their proper status in rebellion against YHVH, will appeal to that part of our nature. The part that wants the easy life with success and money and status.
Or maybe you live a simpler life and don’t desire all those things. Don’t be fooled. They’re coming after you, too. They’ve been observing humankind for a very long time and they can pretty much read us very well. They know where our heart lies and if it lies anywhere other than total surrender to Creator, they will appeal to that. They will tempt us with that. There are many who believe they’re somehow above being able to be tempted by fallen angels. It’s a very foolish position to take.
Have I stepped on your toes, yet? If not, I just might in part two. Hold on to your hat.
I noticed the last thing I wrote was about breaking free in an area of my life using the protocols. It has held. That deep-seated area of brokenness I’ve known all my life has been healed. There are some things I’m still getting used to, but I think I’m managing it pretty well.
Another part of my healing is continuing to move forward out of the traumatizing experience of a couple years ago. I’m not going back to that field of work, not because of the trauma, but because it’s just not a good fit living in a rural area where our community is too interwoven.
I still have some supplies, resource sheets, worksheets, assorted things related to that job. I held on to them in the beginning because I really didn’t know what I was going to do. Then I held on to them because it just made sense since I interact with the recovery community to still have them in case someone needed them. But I just couldn’t bring myself to go through sorting them and putting them in order.
I need room in my home den. So I took down that box of resources and started going through them. There are a handful of things that are near and dear to my heart that I kept, but I have a whole box full of papers that can be burned or just thrown out. So the box of resources can go bye-bye. It’s another big step forward out of that hole event.
There’s another box that has worksheets, mostly mental health worksheets. Those I’m going to go through a little bit more carefully because I still may right into someone who needs them. But honestly, I’m probably going to just chuck them also.
I’m not currently mentoring anyone in recovery and I’m not really planning on starting that again, either, although I am keeping my recovery community connections. They’re like the only family I have around here. But I’m also a homebody and having to travel with minimum of 30 to 35 minutes each way for recovery meeting doesn’t make it very practical to go unless I’m already in town for something else.
Now that I’ve moved back into the survivor community, that’s where my time and energy are going. Thankfully, with the survivor community connections being online, it works really well with living in the country.
I do have to say, I still have not regained all the ground I lost with those fairly recent events. It just really impacted me in a huge way and threw me backwards. I’m doing much better physically, but I’m still not where I was in terms of energy. And I can find myself bumping up against emotional fragility at times and feeling overwhelmed.
I’m working really hard at identifying what I need to do to take care of myself and then doing it. I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job.
I really miss being in a faith fellowship, but I do spend a lot of time with YHWH. The times I spend in the Word and just sitting with Him are precious. Bit by bit, I’m getting my heart song back.
This process I’m trying to go through is called NLP, which stands for neuro-linguistic programming.
As a survivor of SRA, what they did to me left my brain in tangled knots. So it’s definitely going to be a process to untangle them.
I’ve gone through a few sessions. I know it has helped with at least one thing and that’s the trauma I went through most recently. It helped me get past a wall I kept hitting. But ask for the rest…
Everything feels kind of crazy right now regarding this process. It seems like it’s opening up things from the subconscious and letting them start popping up.
The latest issue I’ve been working on is still there. I think it’s because it’s really a whole combination of triggers resulting in one issue. It’s to the point where the woman I’m working with is going to consult the two guys I worked with to see what might be the best way to proceed since I’m really struggling. It’s like that saying of how things often get worse before it gets better.
So I have no idea how this is going to turn out. Maybe SRA is a bit too much for their protocols? Or, what I think to be true, is that it takes a whole lot more time and sessions than usual.
So the question is whether they will continue to keep trying. They seem to be determined to help really want to see me healed. As long as they’re willing to keep trying, I’m willing to keep trying. At this point, I really have nothing to lose.
I think my being partially amnesic is not helping. I can try to use the methods of my trauma therapist, but to be honest, I think the amnesia is going to be an issue with her also. Plus, I’m just not as confident in the different things that she knows to try. Which is kind of interesting because I’m usually pretty game to try most anything as long as I trust the person. And I haven’t even tried these things to even know. Prior to this I wasn’t really ready anyway. Anyway you look at it, I need to give this a full try first.
I’ve been going through these protocols to remove triggers. To separate intense and/or negative emotions from memories of events. Basically, it’s so I won’t keep getting tripped up in areas I should not be getting tripped up had I had a healthy childhood and life.
In some ways, it is helping. But it is also loosening up stuff that’s been buried in my subconscious. Perhaps, it gets worse before it gets better when it comes to SRA?
I know these protocols work for PTS/PTSD. But I am working on things I don’t even fully remember. I’m also working on things that are the result of multiple types of abuse multiplied out over many years. Will it really be able to help with that?
There is a drop-in survivor support group I attend when I can. I recently told my story there…a very short version. I do believe it went well.
It’s always interesting figuring out what to tell and how to tell. As I was going through some of my poetry to read as part of sharing, I found myself getting a bit triggered. Well, if I am triggered, it’s almost for sure someone else will be.
I try to mindful of who is listening. We can’t avoid triggering others altogether, but we can do our best to not cause needless triggering.
Personally, I don’t mind being triggered. It tells me I connect in some way to what I am reading or hearing, even if I am not sure how or am amnesic to the reason why. It also tells me I still have work to do.
I received a lot of good support and feedback after telling my story.
I chose to do a high altitude version…just the basic facts. It was almost like a bullet point list with a few embellishments to give context. I allowed my poetry to tell some of the story.
It was interesting going through my poetry. I have so much more than what is posted on my poetry blog. There were some I knew I could not read aloud. Not for anyone. Even trying to read it aloud for myself would be…well, I’m not sure I can even do it.
I have not had the time to check out every single page on each site. However, what I have checked out seems to be pretty good. Always read with a discerning heart. Ask the One True God to show you what is from Him and what is not.
A Survivor's Thoughts on Life 